Monday, August 25, 2020

Today, I had a very difficult time getting out of bed. Everything seems pointless. I don't know what to do with myself. The pandemic goes on. I am getting sick of my routine, but i don't have anything to replace it with. 

Fires are ranging all around us, and the air quality is bad. It's been overwhelmingly hot, but today is more reasonable. 

The republican convention is tonight. We tried watching it last night, and changed the channel after 10 minutes. We watched Being John Malkovitch instead. From the clips today, it was a dark and scary affair. Last week, the dems were so uplifting, while still stating the seriousness of this election. 

I am lethargic, lazy, and lonely.

Friday, August 14, 2020

It is hot. 103 degrees. I already hate spending time in my apartment, and when it is hot like this, there is nowhere else to be. I sat in my car for two hours at Hahn's Park. It wasn't as shady as i thought it was going to be, but i stayed there and talked on the phone to Justine and Kate. After that, I got a bagel and cream cheese at Panera, and then went grocery shopping. 

The heat feels so different out here. I have never lived any place that was as dry as this area. People always say, "It's not the heat; it's the humidity." It's the heat. Unforgiving and relentless, it makes me miss Florida, despite the heat there. At least I was close to a beach, and could go in the ocean whenever I wanted. 

As it is, I am trapped. If I weren't, I would travel. To see Kate, to Vero Beach, and who knows where else. But that won't be happening for months and months, especially because there are so many people not wearing masks. 

The pandemic is still going on. According to Trump, we are doing so well. According to the experts, Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx, it's not going all that well. Dr Fauci said he wasn't happy with the numbers. If Dr. Fauci isn't happy, I am not happy. Nearly 170,000 people are dead, and the President talks as if it is all over. 

And then there's the post office. The head of the post office is a crony of trumps, and is making massive cuts to services, so that voting by mail can be stymied. It's so diabolical. Post office boxes are disappearing, along with mail sorters. Workers are saying it's never been this bad. 

Happy news though, Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his VP. That will add excitement to the ticket. It's driving Trump nuts already. He pulled his racist, birther crap over the past few days, but it seems to be recognized for what it is. 

Joe Biden's speaking style isn't the most exciting, but we don't need exciting right now. When he does speak, it is a breath of fresh air, considering what we've listened to for the past four years. 

Sunday, August 2, 2020

I've been swimming at the Benicia pool. It gets me up and out. For 45 minutes, I kick hard and try not to think of all that's going on in the world at the moment. It is hard for me to get up and go, but i do, and wanting to quit for the first 16 laps. 

Today, Chris was swimming 3 lanes down from me. It's a really quick session. Normally, at the gym, I swim for 45 minutes, no problem. Here, I get anxious about cramming it all in to 45 minutes. It's really rigid. In the pool at 10:00, out by 10:45, back in my car by 11. At the end, the life guard whistles and everyone gets out at the same time and dresses in unison. It looks like a 1930s synchronized swimming movie. 

Afterwards, I went to my spot behind the laundromat, where it's shady and smells like dryer sheets. Now I am home. This is my least favorite time of day. It's when I feel especially aimless. Maybe writing can be like swimming, where I only hate the first 15 minutes of sitting down. 

We are at 150,000 dead and the number is going up every day. The president keeps saying everything is ok and that the public schools should open for face-to-face school. There's so much going on in the news that it's a whirl keeping up with it all. 

The GDP is the lowest it has ever been. Unemployment supplemental benefits ran out at midnight on Friday. I'll still get 200.00 for a few more weeks, but then everything ends. 

The protests for BLM are still going on all around the company. The news media rarely covers them, unless there is violence. Trump tried to shove his goons down the throats of the mayor and governor of Portland, but had to withdraw them all in the end. No goons. no violence.

I'm still spending too much time on Twitter and it gets exhausting. But i have this irrational fear that something big will happen, and I won't know about it. It's as though my hypervigilance is the only thing keeping everything from flying off an axis and into the universe. 

I spend a lot of time by myself. I fear I am losing my social skills, along with my edit function. I don't want to be an old person who prattles on to the grocery store cashier. But I am starved for regular conversation. I see friends maybe three times a week, but it's always the same ones. I am nervous because Gregory and Richard's brother was here, and they went to Black Bear Diner, and into SF. They don't seem worried, so I'll act as if I am not worried. 

My place is a mess. There's no urgency to clean. I haven't gone grocery shopping since I went to Trader Joe's and Larry's farm stand over a week ago. I'm down to one baking potato and not much else. I guess that will be tomorrow's project, since I am taking a day off from swimming. 

Tonight, I am going to the Whitfields for dinner and a movie.