Monday, August 25, 2020

Today, I had a very difficult time getting out of bed. Everything seems pointless. I don't know what to do with myself. The pandemic goes on. I am getting sick of my routine, but i don't have anything to replace it with. 

Fires are ranging all around us, and the air quality is bad. It's been overwhelmingly hot, but today is more reasonable. 

The republican convention is tonight. We tried watching it last night, and changed the channel after 10 minutes. We watched Being John Malkovitch instead. From the clips today, it was a dark and scary affair. Last week, the dems were so uplifting, while still stating the seriousness of this election. 

I am lethargic, lazy, and lonely.

Friday, August 14, 2020

It is hot. 103 degrees. I already hate spending time in my apartment, and when it is hot like this, there is nowhere else to be. I sat in my car for two hours at Hahn's Park. It wasn't as shady as i thought it was going to be, but i stayed there and talked on the phone to Justine and Kate. After that, I got a bagel and cream cheese at Panera, and then went grocery shopping. 

The heat feels so different out here. I have never lived any place that was as dry as this area. People always say, "It's not the heat; it's the humidity." It's the heat. Unforgiving and relentless, it makes me miss Florida, despite the heat there. At least I was close to a beach, and could go in the ocean whenever I wanted. 

As it is, I am trapped. If I weren't, I would travel. To see Kate, to Vero Beach, and who knows where else. But that won't be happening for months and months, especially because there are so many people not wearing masks. 

The pandemic is still going on. According to Trump, we are doing so well. According to the experts, Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx, it's not going all that well. Dr Fauci said he wasn't happy with the numbers. If Dr. Fauci isn't happy, I am not happy. Nearly 170,000 people are dead, and the President talks as if it is all over. 

And then there's the post office. The head of the post office is a crony of trumps, and is making massive cuts to services, so that voting by mail can be stymied. It's so diabolical. Post office boxes are disappearing, along with mail sorters. Workers are saying it's never been this bad. 

Happy news though, Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his VP. That will add excitement to the ticket. It's driving Trump nuts already. He pulled his racist, birther crap over the past few days, but it seems to be recognized for what it is. 

Joe Biden's speaking style isn't the most exciting, but we don't need exciting right now. When he does speak, it is a breath of fresh air, considering what we've listened to for the past four years. 

Sunday, August 2, 2020

I've been swimming at the Benicia pool. It gets me up and out. For 45 minutes, I kick hard and try not to think of all that's going on in the world at the moment. It is hard for me to get up and go, but i do, and wanting to quit for the first 16 laps. 

Today, Chris was swimming 3 lanes down from me. It's a really quick session. Normally, at the gym, I swim for 45 minutes, no problem. Here, I get anxious about cramming it all in to 45 minutes. It's really rigid. In the pool at 10:00, out by 10:45, back in my car by 11. At the end, the life guard whistles and everyone gets out at the same time and dresses in unison. It looks like a 1930s synchronized swimming movie. 

Afterwards, I went to my spot behind the laundromat, where it's shady and smells like dryer sheets. Now I am home. This is my least favorite time of day. It's when I feel especially aimless. Maybe writing can be like swimming, where I only hate the first 15 minutes of sitting down. 

We are at 150,000 dead and the number is going up every day. The president keeps saying everything is ok and that the public schools should open for face-to-face school. There's so much going on in the news that it's a whirl keeping up with it all. 

The GDP is the lowest it has ever been. Unemployment supplemental benefits ran out at midnight on Friday. I'll still get 200.00 for a few more weeks, but then everything ends. 

The protests for BLM are still going on all around the company. The news media rarely covers them, unless there is violence. Trump tried to shove his goons down the throats of the mayor and governor of Portland, but had to withdraw them all in the end. No goons. no violence.

I'm still spending too much time on Twitter and it gets exhausting. But i have this irrational fear that something big will happen, and I won't know about it. It's as though my hypervigilance is the only thing keeping everything from flying off an axis and into the universe. 

I spend a lot of time by myself. I fear I am losing my social skills, along with my edit function. I don't want to be an old person who prattles on to the grocery store cashier. But I am starved for regular conversation. I see friends maybe three times a week, but it's always the same ones. I am nervous because Gregory and Richard's brother was here, and they went to Black Bear Diner, and into SF. They don't seem worried, so I'll act as if I am not worried. 

My place is a mess. There's no urgency to clean. I haven't gone grocery shopping since I went to Trader Joe's and Larry's farm stand over a week ago. I'm down to one baking potato and not much else. I guess that will be tomorrow's project, since I am taking a day off from swimming. 

Tonight, I am going to the Whitfields for dinner and a movie. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Things are getting worse every day. 140,000 humans have lost their lives because of the incompetence of this president and his administration. California has the highest number of cases in the nation, more than New York. Businesses are still shut down.It's not the only state with rising rates. Florida goes up every day, and their dimwitted governor won't close gyms, and wants to open schools in person in three week.

The pool is closed. I was swimming every day, and it was something I really looked forward to doing. Afterwards, I felt very calm. 

I don't feel that way today. I am waking up late, and getting out of the house only to get coffee and somewhere else other than my apartment with the 6 ft 5 in ceiling. The only things keeping me reasonably on track are cannabis and my friends and family. I haven't seen anyone except them and Pam, since the lock down began. 

My days are aimless. I am overwhelmed by what's going on in the world. I can't turn it off. I doom scroll through twitter 11 hours a day. I fear if i don't that everything will come crashing down. Looks like now it's crashing down without my help.

Trump announced today that he was sending federal troops into several cities, where he thinks mayors have lost control over the cities. So far, these troops have been showing up without anything to id them as legitimate troops. He's sending them in to quell violence, but they are initiating and perpetuating the violence against citizens who have a constitutional right to gather to protest.  

People are protesting the police violence in the death of George Floyd. There have been so many instances of violence at the hands of the police, mostly toward black people. And the troops are firing bullets and gas at them, including the mothers who have banded to aid the cause. 

Trump also asked the Ambassador to Great Britain to check with Scotland, to see if the British Open could be held at his resort in Scotland. 

And he wished a pedophile who is sitting in jail with information on him and his cronies. Just another average Tuesday and Wednesday. 

Gregory, Richard, and I are watching the Marvel series of movies on Disney Channel. I got that to see Hamilton, which was so wonderful and definitely relative to these times. 

My head hurts. I wish we had a super hero. I wish lightening would hit all the bad people. Unemployment runs out this weekend, and republicans won't vote for more, because they think it disincentivizes people to work.

Saturday, June 6, 2020

3:21 pm

69 degrees

108,849 dead (as of yesterday)

Beautiful day. Rustling winds. 

After I got coffee, I looked for shade. Drove to Dan Foley Park. No shade. I drove to Cooper Elementary, where I spent five weeks in 3rd grade last fall. Sat under a large tree and scrolled through Twitter. 

Lots of protests. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2020

2:30 pm

I can't believe how much time has gone by since I last wrote anything. The days go slow and weeks go fast. Time is irrelevant. The corona virus is still with us and cases are rising in 48 states, including California. Governor Newsom closed the state down on Monday. School will most likely be virtual, despite what the president and betsy de vos want. 

Since the end of June, I have been swimming laps at the gym. They closed down and now the  one thing that was keeping me happy and calm has vanished. So instead of swimming, I am walking. Today was my second day, and I walked 13 minutes. My back and hips are so painful that it's hard to stand up. Actually, it's because my core is so week. So I will keep walking and increasing my time and steps as I go. Yesterday, I walked the San Pablo Trail and could barely make it the last several yards.Today, I walked on the waterfront. I'm not inspired, except that I know that I have to get up and out every day. My goal is to walk for an hour. 

Protests are still happening in states all over the country, but the media are ignoring them. The president threatened today to send in the National Guard to restore peace. He also diverted the covid numbers from the CDC directly to the white house. 

Yesterday, I watched the president's press conference. It was so unnerving that I drank whiskey at 3:30 in the afternoon. 

Monday, June 8, 2020

3:50 pm

77 degrees

113,048 dead 

The protests against racism and police brutality continue. There was a huge march on Saturday, or rather, marches all over the world.